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Memoirs: My first 7 years as a scribe: ups and downs

Remembered an old blog of mine:
I complete seven long years in journalism in August 2011. I wonder what I have gained and what I have lost. Let us begin on a positive note: what have I gained? An identity of my own (of being a scribe), working on my terms (that's a bit ironical, though!), writing (which was my childhood dream and I do intend to be a successful writer someday), and finally I have managed to reach a senior level (that is also ironical...I would ask: at what cost?). What do I do with seniority and a high paying job when I am still not doing what I always wanted to do? (Delhiites would say, toh kya hua! iska achar daalun kya main?...in literal terms, it would mean: Should I 'pickle' (achar) the salary and designation?).
So what have I lost: precious relationships, my self-respect and probably much more...I am still proud that I am a journalist! But am not proud of the fraternity that I am part of - day in and day out. For long, I supported journalism, was an idealist and activist. I fought with my mom, tooth-and-nail to remain in this field, gave her all the possible arguments like a lawyer! Finally after having entered this field, been there for 7 years now, I feel like a fool thanks to members of the fraternity of whom I was proud of, for a long time. I am compelled to bring this done-to-death topic here, on this forum, 'coz all my friends in the media agree with me and am thankful to all those who stood by me like a wall whenever I wanted to break down! I would call myself a 'solitary reaper' in this field, trying to find my place here. I realised its a futile task trying to prove myself.

Long ago, as an intern for a reputed newspaper in the south, my news editor had given me a tip on my last day there. This is what he said: If u can prove yourself in the desk, u can shine as a writer. He was partly right. I did do well in the desk for a while and used to write well too. But after a few years, I started realising that desk was not my cup of tea. Yet I persisted, giving myself chances repeatedly..never thinking that it had been a Himalayan blunder of my life to become a sub-editor!

Now that 7 years have passed, I want to break the vicious cycle that is consuming me; follow my heart and resume writing! I know there are a whole lot of risks involved: I would have to financially sustain myself and also incur my mom's wrath for taking another plunge into an unknown abyss. But, I am willing to take a risk 'coz this time, I do not want to lose myself again.

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